Astronomy Humor - Billions of Smiles 

 Article by Andrew Fraknoi (Foothill College & Astronomical Society of the Pacific)

© copyright 2005 by Andrew Fraknoi (used with permission)

He is on Facebook: Andrew Fraknoi (The AstroProf) www.facebook.com/Fraknoi

Originally published in Mercury Magazine (Astronomical Society of the Pacific).

Many good books and texts on astronomy provide a helpful glossary of technical terms for the beginning reader. Useful as such lists are, they usually list only the standard definition of each term. Here are some decidedly non-standard alternatives for some important astronomical jargon.

Antiproton: Whom Uncle Proton is married to.

Apex: What the naturalist trained the apes to make

Baryon: I am sorry, sir, you can’t go in there; the sign says Mr. Manilow is performing.

Charge-coupled device: The electric chair

Contact binary: Tango partners

Continuous creation: Yet another non-technical physics book from Paul Davies or John Gribbin

Convection Current: The electric chair

Curve of Growth: What happens to the midriff bulge of an astronomy department administrator

Declination: Thanks, Norbert, but I really don’t want to go out with you.

Decoupling Era: What happened to marriage in the 1980’s and 1990’s

Deferent: Oh, no, Dr. Sandage, I am sure your value for the Hubble constant is the right one.

Degenerate Stars: A Hollywood orgy.

Early-type star: Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Spielberg, I thought the cast party started at 8

Einstein Ring: What Albert bought Mileva.

Exit pupil: Another non-science major who didn’t finish Astronomy 101

Fission: What some astronomers like to go do to relax during the summer

Forbidden Line Transition: “Nice weather we’re having…say, would you like to come up to my place and see my etchings?”

Great Red Spot: A popular nightclub in Beijing

Green Flash: The brief period when dot.com’s were all the rage.

G Star: Actor who appears mainly on the Disney Channel

Hour Circle: What you do when your flight arrival is delayed over San Francisco

Hubble’s Constant: What his wife Grace hoped he would always be

Image Tube: Television set with the sound broken.

Initial Mass Function: Celebration after a child’s first Communion

International Date Line: Where lonely astronomers can call 24 hours a day

Interstellar Medium: Fortune teller in Hollywood between jobs

Inverse Square Law: Making a poem out of the Pythagorean theorem

Jansky: What Jan uses to open his door

Late-type Star: See early-type star and make your own joke. (Do we have to spell everything out for you?)

Leap second: You have to; I leaped first.

Lepton Era: When the big cats roamed the jungle.

Light Year: When your classes were easy and you didn’t have to take too many in your major.

Line Broadening: What happens to an astronomer’s profile after age 50

Local Group: The rock band that plays down the street

Local Standard of Rest: Sorry, senor, we always close in the afternoon for a siesta.

Main Sequence Turn-off Point: The moment in a long lecture on stellar evolution where students stop paying attention

Messier Catalog: The one that got dropped in the mud

Near Earth Object: Your astronomy textbook, just after you threw it out the window

Olbers’ Paradox: Before she had that operation, Mrs. Olbers wanted an opinion from another doctor

Peculiar Motion: Astronomers trying to do the hula during a conference in Hawaii

Photomultiplier: E-mail

Prominence: Being invited to write a review paper for Annual Reviews

Proper Motion: Bill to increase funding for astronomical research

Recombination Line: Darling, I’ve never loved anyone but you; please take me back.

Roche Limit: Enjoy it, Bill, but if you want to be president someday, perhaps you shouldn’t inhale.

Quantum Efficiency: Apartment unit in Tokyo

Quasar Red Shift: Broken color control on famous brand TV

Radio Burst: Time to get another set

Red Giant: The basketball player who spent too much of the weekend on the beach.

Sirius B: What Yoda was always trying to teach his apprentices

Spectral Line: Beware, this house is haunted

T Association: The Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse

Tektite: Maybe piping some music into the dome will loosen him up

Van Allen Belt: What Dr. Van Allen wears to hold up his pants

Variable Star: The artist formerly known as Prince