Astronomy, Astronaut & Alien Humor

Billions of  Smiles

Astronomy Top Tens Humor

The Astro Funny website has a page of Space Stuff Top Tens

  • Reasons Why President Bush Isn't Into Astronomy
  • Liberals Are Into Astronomy
  • Reasons Why Osama Bin Ladan and  Saddam Hussein Aren't  Into Astornomy
  • Why Astronomy Is Better Than Sex
  • Reasons Why Bill Gates Isn't Into Astronomy
  • Reasons Why Michael Jackson Isn't Into Astronomy
  • Reasons Not to Get Your Space Shuttle Serviced at Sears
  • Reasons Why Homer Simpson Isn't Into Astronomy

Why Astronomy is Better than Sex

Ten reasons by Andrew Wareing on his Night Sights website.
Woman on the Moon
© Maryolyna | Dreamstime.com

Owls in Moonlight
© Popocorn | Dreamstime.com

Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines

10. How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind?
9. Set phasers on love
8. Are you a carbon-based model?
7. I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you
6. Are you up for some experimental probing?
5. Want me to introduce you to E.T.?
4. Care to join the Million-Mile High Club?
3. Mind if I burst out of your stomach?
2. Nice asteroid
1. Hi, I'm Michael Jackson

Source:  David Letterman

Ten Things Clinton Would Do If Aliens Invaded America 
10. Lock himself in the bathroom and scream, "Lemme know when the space monkeys is gone!"
9. Introduce himself as "Earth Chief Bubba"
8. Build fortress around White House out of empty Arch Deluxe cartons
7. Dust off the ol' saxophone, soothe aliens with Billy Joel's classic love song, "Just the Way You Are"
6. Book a room at the Marriott so he can get to know the female aliens "on a one-on-one basis"
5. Blind them by reflecting sunlight off his pasty white thighs
4. Throw back a few coldies and let the Air Force figure it out
3. Begin press conference by saying, "Na-noo, na-noo"
2. When alien says, "Take me to your leader," Bill points to Hillary
1. Nail Barbra Streisand one last time

Source:  David Letterman

Top Ten Astronaut Pick-Up Lines

10. Let's initiate a docking maneuver

9. My pants are approaching escape velocity

8. I'm experiencing 10,000 G's of L-U-V

7. You know I'd really like to get in your pants before the Russians

6. Would you help me de-ice my nosecone?

5. Ever wonder what earth looks like from the back of a Chevy van?

4. Wanna join the hundred-thousand-mile-high club?

3. How much? (that's a Hugh Grant pick-up line)

2. Care to experience some thrust?

1. Prepare for re-entry!


From "The Late Show with David Letterman", 06/30/1995

Why Do Aliens Abduct Humans Anyway?

10. They're still trying to figure out if there's intelligent life down here.
9. They're looking for book royalties.
8. It's easier than abducting elephants.
7. Voyeurism. They like to watch.
6. Because we're here...
5. They're trying to find Kathy Ireland.
4. Years long project aimed at establishing relations with producers of television show, "Sightings."
3. They like seeing themselves in the Weekly World News headlines.
2. Trying to enlighten mankind, but keep accidentally wiping out the knowledge they pass along when implanting screen memories.
And the Number One Reason Aliens Abduct Humans...
1. IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!

Source:  Unknown

Top Ten Signs the Scientists at NASA Have Gone Nuts

10. In their latest Mars report, the word "Klingon" appears 97 times
9. They claim the alien fossils "taste a lot like chicken"
8. They've been looking for signs of intelligent life among viewers of the "Richard Bey Show"
7. Vicious shouting matches over who gets to be called "Buzz"
6. Chief technician locked himself in bathroom for three days making "rocket fuel"
5. Planning to launch enormous Stridex pad at Jupiter's red spot
4. The "second moon" they discovered turned out to be Rush Limbaugh
3. Believe that their broken soda machine was the doing of meddling "Pluto people"
2. A few of them actually think Bob Dole has a chance
1. They renamed Venus "Planet Hollywood"

Source:  David Letterman